The Wait
The Trenches
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Wholehearted Wellness
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The Grace Haven

Where the pain of infertility overflows into grateful parenting.

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The Wait
The Trenches
Grateful Parenting
Wholehearted Wellness
Sensory Silliness
About Us
Contact

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𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒔 2017 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝑻𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝑻𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒅𝒂𝒚 🎄 I still can’t believe I will get to reuse one of these onesies this year. Infertility is BRUTAL, but the resulting unshakable gratitude will always be greater. For those of you still in the wait (i.e. the SUCK) I hope you’re being gentle to yourself. You don’t owe anything to anybody, especially for the simple sake of the holidays.

𝔸𝕣𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕖 𝕙𝕚𝕕𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕓𝕖𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕔𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕣𝕒? I know I am. A year of being sick and now being freshly postpartum, my confidence has plummeted. Here’s why I share this. It hit me hard that I am a mom of THREE girls. That’s three sets of eyes watching me. I have them stand in front of the mirror and tell themselves positive affirmations. Am I now a hypocrite if all I see are the negatives when I stand in front of the mirror? Nope. I refuse. I am going to love this body where I am at. I am going to thank my body for carrying Ellie, and surviving the unthinkable in the process. I’m going to release all that crap I have built up from watching my hard-earned muscles eat themselves during HG. I’m going to breath, genuinely smile, and confidently allow pictures to be taken. ℍ𝕠𝕨 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦? 𝔸𝕣𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕞𝕖?

Happy 2 Months, Ellie! 🌹 We love every bit of your 9lb 14 oz self! It is such a gift to watch you smile at your sisters and coo when I tickle you! I can already tell you’re a fellow old soul. I enjoy listening to jazz and discussing the world with you. I need you every bit as much as you need me. Your pregnancy may have been darkness, but you are light 🌟 Every neck nuzzle and smile washes away all the pain it took to get to you. Your cuddles are healing. You are truly a miracle and a blessing. I would do it all over again for you, sweetheart. Thank you for filling our home with love ❤️ Love, Mama

I get asked all the time if I am able to eat normally again. The short answer: 𝑵𝑶. I thought HG was miraculously over in an instant. The nausea vanished, but the survival patterns ingrained in my brain did not. It has taken me a few months to realize that I need to give my body HEAPS of grace. My mind has to relearn that food isn’t going to hurt me. My digestive system had 6 months of zero work. I can give it time to « warm back up » again. 𝑹𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔. Here’s a glimpse of where I am at: -meat has to be «hidden » and in small bites. -veggies are generally safe -most cheese is a solid no, except feta. -bland foods like rice or pasta are great for mixing and trying to slowly introduce other foods back. -still super smell sensitive, so cooking is a risk but I try to take it 3-4x a week. The key words I cling to are 𝓖𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓽𝓾𝓭𝓮 & 𝓖𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓮. I sip water after any steps backward, and remember how much I CRAVED water, but couldn’t have it. I’m still further than I was yesterday, and that’s all that matters.

After a long week of all being sick, the giggles have finally returned. I love how joyful my crew is, and am praising God we escaped a hospital visit this time around!

We’ve been struggling with hydration as the twins fight this illness. I’ve tried everything from popsicles to juice, and nothing was cutting it. Today I found the golden ticket: letting them fight over my water cup. Whatever works! #twinmomlife

This isn’t the #throwbackthursday post I was expecting to write, but I like to keep it honest. This is one of the last photos taken before I was hospitalized for a MRSA blood infection and sepsis. Looking at it is haunting, but it explains why I am sitting here unable to move. I am staring at a packet of antibiotics my body needs, but I cannot take them. Why? . . . Because every time I think about exposing Ellie to even more (via breastfeeding), I become undone. I didn’t realize how much guilt I was carrying for all the medications she was exposed to in utero.. . . . RATIONALLY, I know they kept us alive. Zero regrets. But, PTSD is brutal, not rational. So here I am, allowing myself to FEEL all of it. The guilt, the anxiety, and the feelings of isolation that come from walking through hell. It sucks, and I hate it, but the only way out is to feel it. I can’t ask God to heal something by stuffing it away. . . . He’s a big enough God to handle me asking « Where were you? » and « Why did this happen? » So that’s where I am at today. All thanks to this packet of medicine, and a God who is too merciful to let me walk around numb. #ptsdrecovery

“𝕊𝕙𝕖’𝕤 𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕃𝕚𝕓𝕓𝕪, 𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥.” These words echo in my heart daily. These words that my Mum spoke shortly after hearing more medical news about my Libby girl. She’s right. Diagnoses help with treatment, and gaining understanding, but they stop there. Nothing changes what those of us who know Libby best already know...that she’s amazing. Richard and I wouldn’t be where we are today without my parents support. From helping with therapy appointment drop offs, daily NICU visits and hospital visits, to “little things” like this, a sensory drawer in their own home. 𝕀𝕥 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕤𝕡𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕤 𝕦𝕟𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖❤️

Today the twins rolled into the doctor with Thanksgiving outfits, Easter stickers, and boogers in their hair. I guess you could say I am totally killing it at this whole 3 under 3 gig 😆

Ellie’s daily schedule: 𝐄𝐚𝐭, 𝐒𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩, 𝐁𝐄 𝐂𝐔𝐓𝐄, 𝐑𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐭. More than just an adorable outfit, this hung in my closet as a reminder. I would run my fingers over the soft knit after throwing up for the 20th time each day. It helped me stay focused on bringing this girl life, even through my death. Today it overwhelms my heart with gratitude. I still can’t believe she is here, and she’s so perfect ❤️

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