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The Grace Haven

Where the pain of infertility overflows into grateful parenting.

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The Wait
The Trenches
Grateful Parenting
Wholehearted Wellness
Sensory Silliness
About Us
Contact

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Our journey is one that I don’t take for granted. There is way more joy than sorrow, way more light than darkness. That doesn’t change the fact that it can be HARD. It was such smooth sailing this morning, and then wave of sorrow hit me. It was “easy” to be at the hospital for 4 hours with three kids under three because that’s all they know. Their norm is to grab a book and wait, listen to doctors, and then get a sticker on the way out. They are more used to appointments than play dates, more used to hospitals than parks. It’s just a hard reality to process sometimes. So for today, I’m going to just let myself feel the weight of that. Then I’ll pick up where we left off, and start the referral process for our next specialist. I will do it all with a smile on my face and coffee in my hand. This is part of special needs parenting. You let yourself grieve the life you thought your kids would have, so that you can fully embrace the ones that they do. Making space for grief does not change the fact that I wouldn’t alter a single hair on my child’s head. I will update on the twin’s appointments tomorrow. Thank you all for praying!

In our family, we don’t play favorites. However, I am fairly certain Libby feels closest to baby Ellie right now. I was SO worried about how she would handle the transition. Yet I forgot one important thing... 𝐁𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐋𝐢𝐛𝐛𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬. 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 “𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐝” 𝐛𝐲 𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞, 𝐋𝐢𝐛𝐛𝐲 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐝. It’s a beautiful bond to witness.

Day 1 (again): “Starting over” with zero regrets. This past week, my children needed every single ounce of energy I had. I gave it freely, and I gave myself total grace to ditch working out. Today, they all are stable and definitely on the recovery end of this illness. The stars aligned for me to take 30 minutes to myself, so I took it. Not sure the same will happen tomorrow, and that’s okay. Wellness isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress. It isn’t about a number on the scale, a dress size, or a perfect nutrition program. It’s about taking the life you have and making the most of it. I’ve got 3 little sets of eyes watching how I treat myself, so I’ve never been more mindful about my approach to health.

This man. We have seen a lot of things that thankfully most parents don’t ever have to even think about. We have walked up and down hospital hallways with heavy words lingering in our heads, haunting us. We have learned which stairwells are the best places to cry, because our kids deserve our strength and composure in times of crisis. We have almost lost all 3 of our children at different times and in different ways. It’s true my dear, none of our parenting has ever come easy. Yet, in the deep valleys, God has woven something uniquely our own. That unyielding strength to not back down from tough situations. The unspoken dance we do to take turns being the one who “holds it together” for the family. The actual dance we do in our kitchen to take the only two minutes we have in our day to connect. The sign language love poems we tell each other across the room full of chaos and screaming. Watching our kids fight through some really terrible things has been so hard. SO hard and so unrelenting. I could not do it, any of it, without this man. I am grateful to my core for him, and our 3 little people who make our house a home.

Syringing fluids into my very ill Ellie, comforting Libby during a sensory meltdown, and validating Lani that she was just playing and didn’t mean to set off her twin sister. Ya know, the usual Saturday kinda stuff. Embracing the chaos, giving up my personal space, and loving deeply from a place of total exhaustion.

My sunshine is tired. Too tired to eat, and her little body is dehydrated as a result. We have been given a time limit to get her to wet diapers. We have some tools left in our tool belt to try. Most importantly, we have faith. This year is the year we have very intentionally claimed HEALING. We are starting it off with a reminder that we need Jesus for that to happen. Not our own strength, that’s gone. Not our own timing, because we would have chosen to have healthy kids weeks ago. Not our own energy, there isn’t coffee strong enough in all the world. And, Not alone, our family (church & biological) are being His hands and feet. Alright baby girl, let’s eat!

Thank you all so much for checking on us. I am so sorry to leave you hanging. 2 of my 3 babes are now fighting pneumonia and Ellie has an ear infection. We are pretty gutted. God loves us SO tenderly though. He gave me the STRONG instinct yesterday to check Libby’s breathing, and things haven’t slowed down since. It has been nonstop and non-sleeping. Driving in snow storms and praying like crazy. Here is the blessing in all of this though: we are still HOME. Because of that strong instinct, both Libby and Ellie are receiving intervention in the early stages of pneumonia. Meaning, their medical team is letting us try to beat this from home. Today as I was running between pharmacies to gather all the needed supplies, I kept gazing at the snow tipped mountains. Worship music playing over me, and tears rolling down my face. I am at the end of myself. Richard is, too. I told God over and over « I can’t take anymore. This is beyond me. I am TIRED. » I felt so much peace suddenly as I felt Him remind me of this important truth: The end of us is only the beginning of Him. He’s got this. All of it. It’s okay that I’m literally a broken mess over here. I will still see victory because of the Lion of Judah.

Our Libby Lou is having a hard time breathing. She’s currently getting checked out. Please join us in praying for answers and claiming healing over our family.

3 things about this photo: 1. My Dad caught a bug from helping us yesterday. Libby used her PECS to ask to make him a Get Well sign. She loves her Grandpa so much. 2. We are still HOME. Not out of the woods yet, but still home. We are so grateful! Thank you all SO much for praying us through this!! 3. Their height difference. I get asked less and less if they are twins, and to be honest...I miss it. Never thought I would miss that question, but I do. Our Libby cannot seem to break 30lbs. We were SO close and then RSV and these bugs hit. All in her own time.

Can we clear some things up? Talking honestly about negative situations is NOT the same as BEING a negative person. We don’t need to try and wrap up people’s experiences with a bow and tell them to just « be positive. » Some people share authentically as a way to promote genuine positivity, instead of hiding or stuffing anything truly real. Sharing your story openly doesn’t make you attention-seeking or narcissistic. People share for many reasons: support, community, a way of processing. It only crosses the boundary of narcissism when you start telling other people how to live their lives by your frame of reference...and that typically only happens in the comment section. Sharing openly also doesn’t require someone to have « thick skin. » It helps, that’s for sure, but someone’s life on display isn’t an open invitation to be rude. They are not being « sensitive » by not appreciating your opinions. We need to stop telling people they are either « too much » or « not enough » by shaming authenticity and promoting cookie cutter social media presences. I feel like you could likely separate the responses any public social media platform receives into the following categories: 1) People wanting to support you 2) People feeling supported by you and 3) People wanting to critique. The ratios are usually something like, 50%, 48%, and 2%. It makes social media SO worth it, but sometimes that 2% seems louder than the rest. All are welcome here, but to my 2%ers...you’re welcome to use that unfollow button 😉 —————————— Now that we got that out of the way: All 3 of my girls are struggling. Barely taking in fluids. All running fevers. All vomiting. Clinging to hope, proclaiming healing, but also packing hospital go bags because this isn’t our first rodeo. We shall see how the night unfolds. Thank you all for praying for us and encouraging us!

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