WARNING: This post discusses topics that are not suitable for all ages. This post may also be triggering. Please proceed with caution.
Before you hear me wrong, suicide is not the answer. EVER. If you are struggling, please call the National Suicide Prevention line available 24 hours a day.
I used to think suicide was selfish.
I am ashamed to admit it, but that’s the truth. I could not comprehend why someone would take their own life, while simultaneously destorying the lives of SO many loved ones.
That way of thinking is so far from the truth.
Selfishness is not even a thought that someone can comprehend when they are battling total darkness.
What Dying has taught me about Living
My body is in a fight for survival.
A fight that I would have already lost without intensive medical intervention.
A fight I very nearly lost just last week even with intensive medical intervention.
For those of you who are new, I am referencing my severe struggle with Hyperemesis. You can read more about that here.
When your physical body is wasting away from starvation, your mind starts playing tricks on you. Dark tricks, that you would have never dreamed of before.
Dark thoughts usually start off like a small nudge. You can turn your back and ignore them. When left unchecked, dark thoughts quickly turn into relentless waves. Constantly crashing you down before you can stand back up.
I used to think I was above having such terrible thoughts. I have a strong faith and love for my family. Surely I was immune. Wrong.
I woke up to blood everywhere.
One night I had a dream that I pulled out my central line and let myself go. In my dream, I felt like I was doing the right thing for my family. My illness has taken a toll on everyone, and it isn’t fair to them.
My body and my mind were tired of fighting. Simply existing felt like too much for me anymore.
I woke up to intense pain and blood everywhere. Apparently I had actually tried pulling my line out in my sleep. I did not succeed, thankfully, but I did manage to rip my arm open.
Here’s why I am sharing this with you.
No one is “immune” to struggling with depression.
Thinking you’re above falling, typically means the fall will just hurt you that much more. Even worse, thinking you’re above OTHERS who have fallen.
To summarize: don’t be an arrogant jerk about mental health issues, even those that make you “uncomfortable.”
Judging or ignoring other people’s depression makes you miss signs in their lives, and only adds to their pain. You could be the difference between someone fighting one more day of darkness versus succombing to it.
I thankfully only find myself in the first group.
Thinking I would never be defeated by depression only led to me taking longer to admit I needed help.
Jesus, not our faith, saves us.
I was so frustrated. I thought my faith was stronger. I thought I was stronger. How could I even think about tapping out and leaving my family behind? Then it hit me.
Don’t confuse your own shortcomings, with Jesus ‘failing’ to act.
My faith is not strong, but my Savior is.
There is hope. The best part? That hope is not dependent on you at all.
I can rest in being broken.
I can rest in wanting to die.
I don’t have to endure another moment without Jesus tenderly carrying me.
He can handle my anger. He can handle my doubt. He can handle this pain. It is too much for me, but it is not too much for Him.
When you have nothing left to give…
That doesn’t mean you have to be done. The pain may not go away, the dark thoughts will still come…but YOU don’t have to fight alone.
You will ask for help and people will let you down. That does not mean you are not worthy of love and support.
You will have good days and then suddenly feel like you’re drowning. That does not mean you’re not still in the fight.
Just because you feel that something is wrong, does not mean that something is wrong with YOU.
All of us are broken in some way. Many of us hold on to hatred or fakeness to mask our pain. You are not weaker because you’re facing your darkness.
You’re not selfish for wanting to be done. People who tell you that simply don’t get it. Please reach out for help and don’t fight alone. YOU ARE WORTH IT.